Besame Mucho

Something Something Something Chapel.

2004-11-06T06:54:00.000-08:00

Wow, this keeping a journal thing is tougher than you'd expect. For one thing, there is that pesky little thing called life that brings many many distractions from it! For another, there is the issue of having a moment to myself to do so in peace. In any case, where was I?

Oh yes. Dan & Bella.

It turns out that they are now engaged. I was quite baffled while Daniel laid it all out in front of me, explaining the hows and whys of it all and that it was my urging him out the door that one night to take Isabelle out for some fun that got him set to thinking things, like what would he do if Bella ended up finding someone else, how would he feel, etc. I couldn't quite follow where he was going with all of this, since really, he's more the "boy of Bella" than "friend Daniel".

He said that later that night, when he called and she didn't answer, all sorts of things went through his mind and he fully expected her to be in someone else's home doing things that only HE should be able to do with her. It drove him to distraction and he finally ended up going over, using his key, and sitting on the couch waiting for her. He hadn't even bothered to change, just went over in his housecoat & slippers. If you knew Dan, you would know how unusual this was, as the man is the type that normally wouldn't be caught dead outside of his home without being dressed to the nines. It's part of what attracted him to Bella in the first place, as she is also one of those "just so" type people.

When she finally came tumbling in at 4 in the morning (three, I corrected him, to which he said "maybe in your home, when was the last time you changed the batteries on your kitchen clock?" and I could not refute this, as we both looked up to the offending time piece which indicated cheerfully that it was 3 o'clock RIGHT THEN... even though it was half past nine... ANYWAY:) he was quite distraught and pacing the floor. She tumbled right into his pacing and he hugged her like there was no tomorrow and then (and this is the rather amusing/annoying bit) he looked over her shoulder to see (wait for it...)

GABRIEL.

He was jack's raging anger at that point but Bella managed to calm him down and explain that she was only letting Gabriel in to call me up and see if I was still conscious. Dan didn't believe her of course as Gabriel had had his hand round her waist at the time, and he called me straight away. Apparently he and I had a very long chat on the phone (note to self: hire secretary or perhaps videographer to record my every drunken move next time, so I know exactly what I'm doing during those blissful [har har] moments where I don't know what exactly I'm doing).

So anyhow, apparently I was quite mean to Daniel and told him that of COURSE Gabriel belonged to me, and would he PERSONALLY see to it that the man was delivered to my door safely? Dan was kind enough to oblige only after procuring a promise from Bella to let him back in the door when he returned. When he deposited Gabriel at my doorstep, I nearly boxed his ears and told him that if he EVER questioned Bella's faithfulness to him again, I would give him more than just an earful of noise. Then I told him that if he didn't go up there STRAIGHT AWAY and DEMAND that Bella marry him, I would not speak to him again. (further note to self: perhaps stop drinking altogether, as I get too saucy for my own good.)

Well, it turns out that after Dan bashfully went back up to Bella, she laid it straight for him and told him that yes, in fact, she was considering going to town on poor Gabriel, as she was full up of his unrepentant refusals to show any sort of committment past having a tooth brush & a few clothes at her apartment. And that what was the point in their being together if she was always asked to put her feelings on hold? Then she really laid into him about his ex, and how it had nothing to do with her, so why was he punishing their relationship when the prior offenses were on the part of someone who she wouldn't have known had she ran straight into them? Then she told him to get out, and that she didn't want to see him again until his head was relocated on his shoulders instead of firmly up his arse.

I have to say, I was inwardly cheering for Bella, though trying to look sympathetic to Dan, nodding and tsk-tsking as he told me all about it.

Tick-tock, time ran out and I have to go see Birch. More later.

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Such a Night

2004-11-05T17:23:00.000-08:00

When I got home last night, Ray was gone, and that really sucked because he still had my key. Luckily I had my cell phone on me, but I didn't want to talk to him, so I tried James first. James unfortunately had left his copy on my kitchen counter. I wanted to try Birch, but couldn't remember his sister's number. Of course it was written down - beside the phone, in my apartment. So I rang Bella. She answered all sleepy-like and asked me what was up, since she hadn't heard from me in a few days she figured I was working on another conference. Then I burst into tears and sobbed into her phone that I was sick and lost my key and possibly not just one but two good friends and did she have any tea?

She said she'd come get me straight away and down the elevator she charged, Daniel striding behind her and they both sort of coddled me into the lift and got me into her apartment as quick as you please. Daniel really is a good lad when it comes down to it. They both listened quietly while I told them the whole story, Bella clucking a little here and there, Daniel just staring at the formica table, hands clasped in front of him. I told them how confused I was, and scared to lose Audrey's friendship over Raymond, but also scared to lose Raymond over sticking to my guns just because of Audrey. I went over the whole flu scene, and everything else. Daniel then called me a silly prat and told me that I'd be stupid to hinge a possibly very good relationship over a twisted little b---- like Audrey. That I'd be crazy not to at least try it out, because Ray is a decent guy, and clearly cares for me.

Bella (bless her little heart) said while she agreed with Dan, she also thought maybe I should just let it go a while, and see if things could set themselves straight. That I shouldn't talk to Ray until I've sorted myself out. Then (damn her for being sensible) she said I should talk to Audrey and get the real deal on why they split up, once and for all. That if Audrey truly was my friend she would tell me why, and she would also give me the opportunity to decide for myself whether or not Ray was worth it. She also said that if Ray truly cared for me, he would give me time to decide what I wanted. But that I should be prepared to lose him over this, either way.

The trouble is, Ray still has my key, so now what? Bella said to nevermind that, and just ask the super to let me in, stating I'd locked my key in. The key being on my kitchen counter would be evidence in support of this little lie. She called him up and got everything arranged for me. I kept thanking her and she just kept nodding and smiling kindly and patting me on the arm, like a little old lady might. It was nice but also a little annoying.

They got me in the apartment and Dan sort of held back while Isabelle headed back for the elevator. They exchanged a look and she went on without him. Then he came in and sat me down at the kitchen table, saying he had some things he needed to talk over with me. He then started to set us up with some coffee. He was pretty amazed to see I had some groceries, then I explained that James had finally left and Birch was back in town. All he said was "Ahh. I see now..." and fussed about with cups and spoons and such.

Watching Dan's back while he prepared our coffee, I noted a few things. For one, his shirt was on inside-out. His hair was a bit messed up. And he was wearing slippers. I gasped out loud and covered my mouth a fraction too late. He looked back at me and laughed. "Yes, Bliss darlin, you called us at an... interesting time."

I blushed a little and then... "Wait. 'Us'?" Dan didn't use words like 'we' and 'us', not when it came to this sort of thing.

His turn to blush. "Well, that's what I'm here to talk to you about."

Bah, I've run out of time, I have to go back into work and put out a fire. (Not literally, though that would be humorous).

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Patience.

2004-11-04T19:58:00.000-08:00

Ok. So. I may or may not have given Ray the flu. But in my defence, he had it coming. I told him he didn't have to stick around and nurse me back to health, but would he listen? No. No he would not.

Audrey is refusing to speak to me now for some unknown reason that I can only trace back to his very self. I tried calling her this morning to apologize once again for not making it to her little soiree, and she carped into the phone that she could care less about my excuses, and if I wanted to spend some quality time with the man I could at least come out and say it. I throw up my hands in defeat. I'm too tired to argue the point.

As I am typing this Ray is probably asleep in the guest room. He called in sick today which for him is nothing short of a miracle. He had more or less set up camp here from Saturday up until this point, so I couldn't very well send him home just as he is starting to feel unwell. Birch called last night to see what was up and I told him that Ray was sick and he laughed a little and said he figured that would happen and that he'd be staying at his sister's place for the remainder of the week, so could I please kick the flu out before he returns?

Last night, James came by to pick up some more of his things and see if I was still alive. I helped him pack up the rest of it and listened to his garble about how he promised the next time something like this happened he wouldn't set up camp at my place for months on end. Then he mumbled something into his shirt about how he and his girlfriend are considering purchasing a house together. I just about fell over when he said this, because James has trouble committing to a long distance plan, nevermind another person and a huge responsibility like a house. "How can you promise that the next time something happens, you won't come knocking, and then in the next breath mention you want to purchase a home with this woman? Jesus, James, you astound me. Truly."

He then argued that they were only considering it, and he knew what a big step it would be. He then finished off with a "I'm not getting any younger, Bliss. And neither are you. When are you going to settle in with someone? Aren't you getting tired of it?" I asked him getting tired of what, but he just shrugged to himself. He told me that I was hopeless and then picked up the last of his boxes. He gave me a card with his new phone number on it and told me to call him if I found anything else.

During this whole exchange, Ray had considerately spent time in my little office/den to let us clear things up without interruption. When James had left, Raymond came out and asked if I was getting hungry. After days of not being able to keep anything down, it goes without saying that I was starving and it must have shown on my face because he chuckled and told me to go sit down and he'd throw something together. Let me tell you, this man can cook. I had no idea. The meal was divine, but then that may be the ravenous monster in me talking. Stuffed chicken breast and baby potato and carrots that were just the right amount of sweet and crisp.

After supper he cleaned everything up and then we huddled together on the couch under a blanket and watched television. Briefly discussed the current political climate and then decided it wasn't worth our breath. It would be plastered across everything everywhere for the next few months anyway. We flicked through channels and gave up and just talked a while, huddled together like that.

Tonight I cooked him some soup and read to him on the couch a little while. And then it happened.

I am going to confess that I have known this man for a very long time and it was not until that night that we approached anything that would be considered a line-crosser, if you get my meaning. We were just sitting there and I can't even recall what we were talking about. The next thing you know I was being kissed. It was incredible and just what I thought it would be and I enjoyed every second of it, but then I did something stupid, and pushed him away. I told him I couldn't do this, and he looked as though I'd slapped him. I told him it wasn't that, I just didn't want him to get sick. He laughed at that but I could tell he was still a little off-put about it.

I then told him to consider the situation with Audrey, and that I didn't want to bring any more tension into the friendship, and that clearly there was still something in it that required closure between him and her. He said he understood what I was trying to say, but he wanted to know if I was just saying these things to spare his feelings. And then he cursed Audrey because he knew that she was the main reason I was pushing him away, and then I said don't be silly, because if it weren't for Audrey he wouldn't even know I was alive. Then I said "On the other hand, maybe you'd be better off that way."

Then I told him that I just needed time, because this was a little surreal to me. I am used to not having anyone to rely on (also read: answer to) and frankly I find it a little scary. And that as much as I wanted to, I couldn't bring sex into it until things were settled between him and Audrey. He said that there was nothing left of their relationship and I said that wasn't what I meant. I explained that I was tired of the dismay I felt every time I knew they would both be at the same place at the same time because I knew it would be sparks everywhere, and not the nice kind. They argued all the time and if I was around it was twice as bad and what the fuck were they doing anyway? I didn't want anything to poison anything that could start and told him as much.

Then I did something really, really stupid, and started making out with him again. I did it more or less to see what I felt when it happened, but also because frankly, he's a pretty good kisser. He told me to knock it off if I didn't mean it. I told him I did, but I couldn't do this to myself. I had had enough of messed up relationships and when he had things figured out, then we could see where this goes.

Then I got up and walked out the door and walked around the city for a while, waning flu symptoms be damned. Came into work to gather some things up so I could do some work from home and instead started writing all this down. I don't know if I can handle this. I realize I messed things up by acting so ambiguously but I'll be honest, I'm completely confused about everything, and then of course there is the little question of how much do I value Audrey's friendship? Because if I get involved with Ray right now, I can guarantee you, Audrey will never speak to me again. That isn't drama talk, that's Audrey. But there is a word for what I did in there, and the word is cocktease.

I don't know. My patience is running thin and I'm tired and I want it to be as simple as James is making it out to be. You just up and decide one day that things are going to go a certain way and that's that. Life solved. Move on.

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Hollow.

2004-11-02T08:02:00.000-08:00

So Friday night, Audrey was having a big Halloween to-do. She is famous for having humongous events that are gossip fodder for months afterward. I was looking forward to this as it had been a while since I'd gone to one. She called me several times to make sure I was still coming, but mostly I think to make sure I wasn't dressing up the same - she is a little crazy that way.

She was particularly interested in introducing me to her newest conquest - Elliott, I think his name was. From what I've gathered, the thing she is finding interesting about this one is that she has been introducing him to a lot of new things (one can only wonder what these things may be, and frankly I try not to think about it) so there is a newness in them for her as well. I don't know, now I'm just speculating.

I ended up missing the party much to my dismay because the flu then decided to smack me over the head and set up camp at casa de Bliss. I called Audrey and sent my regrets at not being able to go. She took a bit of a fit over that as it messed up her "seating arrangements" or whatever. I was too sick to care at that point and hung up on her.

Birch ended up going to visit some family, but not before I convinced him that I would be fine and not to be a worrywart and to go already. I think he was stalling because he dreaded the visit but it had to be done. So he left me the number where he was going to be, and said he'd be back in a few days and he would call in to make sure I was ok.

James went to pitch his tent over at his on-again girlfriend's place while Birch is here so I had the place to myself. This made me feel cruddy about being sick because it was the first time in months I've been alone in the house and I couldn't even enjoy it.

I don't remember much about the evening except for Raymond coming at around 10 pm saying he couldn't handle much more of Audrey and came to see how I was doing as soon as he'd heard I was sick. Because I was feeling particularly pathetic I ended up crying and throwing up on his shoes, which made me cry harder. He cleaned himself up and fussed over me, drew me a bath and told me he'd check on me in a few minutes.

He cleaned up my living room which was strewn with blankets and buckets and Kleenex and helped me out of the bath and into some warm pajamas. This would have made me feel strange on any other day as he'd never seen me naked before but I was too sick to care and so grateful to have him there, in spite of my previous bravado with Birch.

He helped me lay on the couch and sat beside me and rubbed my back until I fell asleep. I woke up at around 2 am feeling week and empty, and there was Ray asleep on the chair. I stumbled over to him and told him to go to bed. He said he would if I would. So we both went and crashed.

I didn't wake up until noon the next day when I heard the phone ringing. Ray picked it up in the kitchen before I could crawl over to the one beside my bed and I heard him barking something at what I can only presume was Audrey, judging by the responses I could hear. "What do you care if I'm here or not? No she isn't awake, she's resting. She's sick. She is so. I'm NOT going to make her get up. Yeah. Fine. FINE!" Slam! Down went the phone.

He came into the bedroom a few minutes later with some toast and tea. I went to sit up but couldn't find the strength to do so. So he helped prop me up and set the tray in my lap. Sat beside me on the bed and read me the paper while I feebly fed on some dry toast. I asked him how his shoes were and he smirked. "They're fine, dear, but from what I've heard they certainly aren't the first shoes you've murdered." He had heard about the incident with the shoe-throwing from my car. He chuckled at my scowl and told me not to worry about it.

I asked him who was on the phone, and he confirmed my earlier suspicions. I asked what she wanted and he said he didn't know; that she was probably prying to see if he was still here. He seemed pretty annoyed so I dropped the subject.

When I finished my breakfast, he took the tray away and told me to go back to sleep. He said he was going to go get some things and would return to take care of me, and asked me for the key so he could come in without disturbing me. I told him that it wasn't necessary for him to waste his entire weekend babysitting me and he refused to listen. Secretly I was glad but outwardly I was all stubborn and pouting.

He made good on his word and returned shortly after with hot chicken soup and some other stuff. I was snoozing on the couch and the first thing I felt was a cool hand on my forehead. It's funny how when you are sick, a cool hand or washcloth can feel like a little piece of heaven sometimes. Same when someone rubs your back.

By Saturday evening the heaving part of the sickness had stopped, and all that was left was the aching-bones and washed-out look. Ray drew me another bath but said he wouldn't come help me this time. I don't know if I was glad or disappointed. Birch called shortly after I got out of the bath and was relieved to hear that someone was here. Now that I had started to feel better, I was feeling a little ridiculous over all the fuss. It's not like I was dying or anything. I told him so and he laughed and told me to try to behave while he was gone and don't go giving Ray the flu now.

Having Ray take care of me reminded me that I do miss being taken care of. I have spent a great deal of time taking care of myself and others and have given little thought to who would take care of me. I realize I'm contradicting myself here. It just made me feel a little hollow. Of course that could have been the flu talking. But you know what I mean.

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Soon

2004-10-26T17:51:00.000-07:00

It turns out that "soon" meant today!

Birch came by and snuck in with the key I'd given him years ago. I woke up to terrific smells coming from the kitchen. At first I thought I was in the wrong house - James sure as hell can't cook, and besides he was at his ex-(maybe-on-again-)girlfriend's place. So of course I panicked and went running into the kitchen armed with a baseball bat I keep under my bed for those pesky breakfast-cooking burglars you read about in the papers all the time (shut up, it could happen!).

And there he was humming to himself and dicing up veggies to put in what looked to be some sort of omeletty-type dish. There was also dark rich coffee smells and I closed my eyes and breathed it in deeply. He hadn't turned around so I figured he hadn't noticed my presence yet. So I snuck up behind him and went to tickle him and BAM his hands grabbed my wrists and spun me about. Gave me the biggest bear hug and then very firmly sat me down in a chair. "I have missed you but stay put, or else you will be eating burnt eggs." I smiled in spite of myself because his mock-stern look was pretty comical.

We chatted about little nothings while he finished up and set a plate down in front of each of us. Then he looked me right in the eye and asked me to tell him about it. I asked him "about what?" He said tell him about whoever it was that had put that look in my eye. I laughed and said there was nobody, and of course he didn't believe me so I launched into my Gabriel story.

The nice thing about Birch is, he really listens. I know this because I've tested him on it before. When I think he isn't paying attention I will purposely put in gibberish like "and then the toaster ate the television" and he catches me on it every time. He thought a while and merely said:

"Bliss, my dear, you are stellar at picking terrible boyfriends. Now eat up or your breakfast will get cold." He then chided me for having an empty fridge - he had to sneak in TWICE because of it, once to get in and once to return with groceries. He then asked if all the junk in the spare room had belonged to Gabriel or something. I said no, it was James's, and then went on to explain that whole mess. "If you need me to find somewhere else to stay, I can you know."

I told him that was rubbish and he could either sleep on the couch or my bed until James was sorted out, and he gave a little smile and a raise of the eyebrow which made me blush because that wasn't what I meant at all. And then when I went to backpedal and explain it just made me blushier because he kept grinning at me. Then I changed the subject and asked him what he'd written on his postcard, which made him blush. He hemmed and hawed over telling me what it was, and I just sat and stared him down until he finally confessed that it said:

I'm homesick for you.

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Bang Bang

2004-10-22T10:18:00.000-07:00

Bang bang.

Gabriel came by this week to pick up his jacket. It turns out it was at my place after all, stuck under a couch cushion. He picked it up and walked to the door and then he stopped. He turned to me and started to say something and stopped again. Clearly he had something on his mind but couldn't get it out.

I invited him to stay a while and have some coffee. He sat at my kitchen table and toyed with the salt and pepper shakers on top of it while I got us each a cup. Twirled them between his two hands faster and faster so it looked like they were chasing each other.

I handed him a cup. "Thanks." He breathed in the dark coffee aroma and closed his eyes. Sighed a little. "So Bliss." A pause.

"Yes?"

"I'm leaving soon."

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know yet."

"You don't know yet."

"No."

Another long pause and I wondered what he was getting at. I mean I get the whole tortured soul bit but really, what did I have to do with anything?

"I want you to know something," he started, looking right at me for a change. "I will miss you." I scoffed at that because the man hadn't been around much lately and there were plenty of ladies for him to miss. "No really. I will."

I didn't say anything, just sipped at my coffee and stared him down.

"Bliss, I was wondering if you'd like to come with me." I nearly choked on my coffee at that one. Then I started laughing because really, the idea of going anywhere with him had become absurd. What would I do while he was picking up someone else? Gee, it sounded fun, but no thanks. I think he figured out what I was thinking because he set his coffee down and took both my hands. "No really, Bliss. Just you and me. Nobody else." His thumb traced patterns into my palm. It was soothing and unnerving at once. Realistic Bliss knows better than to answer this, but Hopelessly Romantic Bliss cannot resist this man's charms.

To compromise I got up, forcing him to let go, and paced a little. "I can't say that I understand where this is coming from, Gabriel, because really now, who are we kidding here? I mean you are loads of fun... when you're around. But I cannot rely on you for anything. We've known each other for almost a year and I can't say that I could tell you much about yourself. When we get together it's usually for one thing and even that is hardly ever. So what are you doing here, Gabriel? Why are you sitting in my kitchen and asking me to come away with you? Is it loneliness? Lack of funds? Am I the last stop before a long line of others? Please, tell me. I really want to comprehend this."

I confess I sounded a lot more shrewish than I had intended, and he sighed a long sigh. He then went into this yarn about how he pushes people away if he cares about them and I said that was just fine but did he not understand that along the way he is hurting said people? Of course he did, but he could not change his nature. I said that was nice but I could not change mine either, and while good God he was sexy and wonderful and drove me crazy, I could not just up and leave with someone I didn't know if I could fully trust.

He stood up then and walked right up to me and kissed me. It was nice really but something in it tasted like goodbye, to me at least. "Can I at least call you when I get back? I'd like to stop by and maybe... talk a while."

I nodded my assent and he headed for the door. Ran right into Raymond, who blinked in surprise. "Sorry, Bliss, if I'm interrupting something I can call back later..."

"No. Stay. Please."

And Gabriel gave me a look, then Raymond. "Is this the reason you said no?" I stared at him and dared not give him the satisfaction of an answer in either direction. He shrugged, laughed a little and walked out the door.

Bang bang.

Ray gave me a questioning glance and I shook my head, indicating I really didn't want to talk about it. Then in walked James saying "Bliss, did you and that bloke get in a spat again? He was looking pretty upset about- ho ho, hello Raymond!" And James started to laugh and laugh, and I couldn't get out of him why but somehow he found the whole Raymond/Gabriel thing the funniest thing on earth.

James confessed later, after Ray left, that he had let Ray into the building having seen Gabriel's car in the parking lot and wanting to see what would happen. He was rather disappointed to see that there was no tension between Ray and I with regards to Gabriel. I told him if he wanted drama to start watching soaps since he was home all day anyway. I cannot wait until he finds a new apartment, he's really beginning to drive me up the wall. But I cannot just kick him out; he is my brother after all.

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Birch

2004-10-19T18:32:00.000-07:00

I got a postcard from Birch today. This one was from Japan. Birch is a dear friend that spends most of his time traveling the globe and sending me goodies from all over the place. In return I give him a place to rest his head when he's in the area - thus the spare room that James has so graciously agreed to vacate in the next week or so (Read: has not indicated whether or not he has even started looking for a new roof over his head).

The great thing about having a traveling friend is that they can give you a lot of information about pretty much every place you can think of, saving you from a lot of grief should you ever decide to visit anyplace. The not so great thing is that you never see them, and I personally wish I had the temerity and the drive to do all that traveling. I do a lot of "some day"s and "maybe if"s and it all amounts to me sitting on the couch, eating ice cream from the carton and living vicariously through others. Hah.

In any case, the postcard was a warm welcome from the usual bevy of bills and adverts. And since the weather has been positively dreary it was just the thing to cheer me up. Mind you he decided to show off and write half of it in kanji, promising in English he will drop by soon and translate it in person. In Birch-speak, "soon" could mean tomorrow, or three months from now. You could never really tell.

Still, it made me smile. Birch is the type of person that makes you glad to know he's around. He's the quiet kid that doesn't say much. You could tell him where the Robins hide their eggs without worrying about him smashing them, and he keeps the secrets you wouldn't dare tell another soul. He can also be a big rascal though and has the type of humor that teases - if you are the sensitive type, you might not like his brand of wit at first, but eventually you grow accustomed to it.

He also has this knack of throwing together some pretty terrific parties. Last year's event involved pirates. He had made patches with our names on them in jewels and had even procured a parrot for our amusement. The whole place was decked out like a ship and there was plenty of rum and ale. At midnight he pulled a string and a bunch of balloons rigged to pop when the string was pulled made a terrific noise and showered chocolate gold coins all over us. It was like New Year's Eve... for pirates!

I guess the whole point of this post is to say, I miss him.

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Gabriel

2004-10-17T14:22:00.000-07:00

Getting any sort of rest this weekend was clearly not meant to be. James had invited someone over last night and while I was trying to catch up with some work I'd missed for calling in sick this week, they were clearly doing their best to compete with Gingerpuss's wailings (poor thing is in heat, I really should get around to getting her fixed).

When I confronted him with it this morning he apologised and said he hadn't expected me to be home; he figured I'd be out with that chap that ended up on the couch the other night. I gave him two weeks to find somewhere else to hang his hat - enough is enough, really. It isn't like James is hurting for money or employ and I am climbing the walls for having someone else - especially my brother - living here.

So while he was cleaning out my fridge of whatever contents could be considered sustenance, he made some rambling aside about how he couldn't fathom why I would be with someone like that guy, what was his name again? "Gabriel." He couldn't figure it out, because it seems to be against my typical grain of boy. I told him to stuff it and what did he know about my tastes in anything, especially men. He told me to stop being so cranky and then added that he was wondering what Gabriel did to merit having to sleep on the couch. I told him nothing, not wanting to admit I was too drunk to remember what had happened.

"Does Ray know about him?"

"What does Ray have to do with anything?"

"Nothing, just wondering."

Grrr! People these days I tell ya.

I think I am still cranky about losing one of my favorite shoes and the whole exchange with Audrey still has me rough around the edges. I've had several people ask me why the hell we are friends in the first place and I could explain it but they can't really understand. I think it's just that I see the Audrey most people don't see - the nice, helpful, philanthropist who has a softer heart than her string of conquests and foul mouth (and fouler temper) might suggest.

Take her pet Roman, for example. She rescued him from the pound. Not too many people know that - as far as they are concerned, this Roman was purchased from a top breeder.

The phone just rang and I didn't bother picking it up, just let the answering machine catch it. It was Gabriel of course, asking if he'd left his coat over here. As I cannot see it anywhere, I can only presume it ended up going home with his mystery date the other night. I am still a bit peeved about that as well. It's pretty evident to me now that Gabriel's thin excuse of bringing a book over was more or less to see if he could get some. I, being too drunk to do anything about it, could only offer him the warmth of my couch as a solace for striking out with whoever it was.

I don't want to be jealous, but I am. I keep reminding myself that we are not an item, and likely never would be. When it comes down to it, I cannot see myself "settling down" with him (or anybody else at present for that matter). But I still get the twinge of jealousy. I can't help it. I'm like a kid that wants all the toys, but doesn't want to share any. Paws off, people. And he knows that I don't truly want a relationship with him, which is probably the allure on his end of things. A girlfriend who really isn't a girlfriend? Sign him up! Hurrah!

Now I'm off to meet with a client and talk them out of a really hideous plan - pastel rainbow decorations for a business conference. I love my job, I love my job.

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Audrey

2004-10-16T19:08:00.000-07:00

You know how in life, there is always that one friend that drives you absolutely batty? Yet you still remain friends, for whatever weird reason? That person would be Audrey. Oh, where do I start with her?

When Ray was over the other night she called me up because her friend Suze had stood her up for some Patrick guy. Of course Audrey being who she is, she couldn't fathom why I myself would also have plans. She made some scathing comment about Raymond of course and I hung up.

I suppose this is the part where I should explain that Raymond is actually one of Audrey's exes. I met him through her and we hit it off like a ton of bricks. That isn't why they broke up - they were already split when I met him. I have never bothered to ask either of them why. Raymond won't talk about it, and Audrey says it is too long ago for her to remember.

In any case. So Audrey calls me up yesterday morning and asks me to pick her up in the middle of nowhere. I had to go get some coffee anyway as James had depleted our reserves (if he doesn't move out soon, I may have to physically kick him out). I picked her up and there's one thing I do love about her: no matter what situation she finds herself in, she always looks impeccable. Barefoot, but impeccable. She was carrying her shoes in her hands.

She got in the car and adjusted her sunglasses. She asked me where the hell I'd been the night before and I gave her a noncomittal answer. I was still hung over from my little escapade with Bella, and besides Audrey and Bella can't stand each other, so I filter out information regarding them to each other. I changed the subject and cattily asked her how old the boy was this time.

Her rejoinder of course was to ask me if Raymond and I had fucked yet and what was the big holdup. I told her to go to hell and that I wasn't in the mood for an argument. She responded by beating me with one of her shoes. In a fit I threw it out the window.

Then the smug wench reminded me that it was, in fact, one of MY shoes she'd borrowed a while ago that I had thrown out. The next 15 minutes to her house were the longest I'd had in a while. Angry? Oh hell yes I was.

The only satisfaction I got from the whole exchange was to note that as she sauntered smugly to her door, there was a condom stuck to the back of her dress.

After that little exchange the coffee was long forgotten as I grumbled the whole way back to my place. I got in and tripped over one of James' shoes, collapsing on the couch where a sleeping body lie. It was Gabriel. How the hell...?

I obviously hadn't noticed his sleeping form when I'd left to get Audrey. He sure as hell noticed me as I fell onto him. "Oh, hullo Bliss." Hello indeed. He had that sexy bedhead look that some men can pull off. I swallowed my heart and asked him what he was doing here. He smiled a little and his deep brown eyes smirked at me. "You don't remember?"

Unfortunately, no. I don't.

Apparently after Isabelle and I returned home, Gabriel dropped by to give me back a book he'd borrowed. At four in the morning? Yes, at four in the morning. He knew I'd be up. We ended up talking and then I insisted he sleep on the couch because it was a long drive back to his place and he was in no shape to drive. There was no mention of the woman I'd seen him with earlier that night and I certainly wasn't going to broach the subject.

He kissed my furrowed brow and told me not to worry about it, I was a perfect gentleman, har har. Then he got up, kissed me goodbye, and walked out the door.

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Isabelle

2004-10-15T07:04:00.000-07:00

I never ended up going to see Gabriel, which is probably for the best, because he is like heroin: really, really bad for me, but so very addictive. He is your typical starving artist type filled with just the right amounts of angst and mystery to keep me coming back. And he's terrific in the sack (oh come on, you know you wanted to know that).

Instead I lounged around all day, watching talk shows and gorging on leftover food while Gingerpuss slept on my stomach. Later on I decided to visit Isabelle, whom I prefer to call Bella. I live on the ground floor of my building and she is three floors up. Feeling virtuous, I trudged up the stairs to get my exercise rather than going by elevator. I knocked on the door relentlessly until she opened it. This annoys her to no end which is exactly why I do it (I've already confessed to being a bit of a brat sometimes, so this should hardly surprise you). She was still in her housecoat and looked terrible. "What's the matter, Bella?" Apparently she and her current beau Daniel had a fight the night before and she'd spent most of the day crying in her room, listening to Morrisey. Oh my. "Bella this can't be good for you. Let's go do something. Get yourself pretty. I insist." You sometimes have to be a bit stern with Isabelle when she gets into these moods.

I waited patiently in the kitchen making myself a drink and humming absently. I heard the rattle of a door and who came sauntering in but the very Dan that has caused this hubaloo of self-pity in my dear friend. I raised an eyebrow at him and snarked a little. "Oh come off it, Bliss, it wasn't my doing." I played stupid and just kept sipping my drink. He went into this long explanation about how Bella brought up marriage again, when she knew he wasn't having any of it, being only divorced for 3 years and not wanting to go lightly into things. I told him it wasn't any of my business either way, but that he should maybe leave and let me have a night out with her to let her get it out of her system. Men don't need to talk it out, and analyze it, and turn it over, and discuss every minute point of it, the way that women do.

He laughed and messed up my hair. "Bliss, you're a nutter." He then slipped out the door just as Bella was coming out of the bathroom. She had heard the front door click shut and immediately went to go after him knowing very well he'd been here. I stayed her hand at the door and told her to forget it. "Listen Bella, this is for your own good. You need a breather and I need a drink."

We went out and had ourselves a good chat about men and how absolutely awful they are and how stupid we are to love them, and all that trash that we only kind of mean, and there he was. Gabriel. My heart did flitterflutters and I couldn't focus on what was coming out of Bella's mouth. Then my heart sank as I saw that he was with someone else. "Bliss, snap out of it." Isabelle's snapping fingers in front of my eyes did the trick as she glanced over and groaned. "Oh Bliss, get over him. You know he's no good for you." Did I ever know it.

We drank ourselves silly and tripped our way back home. I just woke up a few minutes ago feeling like holy hell and drinking what must be the equivalent of Lake Superior. I think I'll go lie down some more.

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Raymond and James

2004-10-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

Raymond came over to my apartment last night and we talked until the "wee smas". It is always a pleasure to have Ray's company, because he is funny and wise. Also he is one of the very few men in my life that truly doesn't mind it when my little attention-whore of a cat, Gingerpuss, comes cosying up to him.

In fact, he's the one that gave her that name. My brother James thought she should be called "Scratchy McPaws, Destroyer of Furniture" but then we got her de-clawed so there went that. Besides, that is quite the mouthful to call out the window when searching for her.

I'm digressing here. Raymond came over with a bottle of wine and some take-out food. I hadn't expected any company and was standing absently in front of my open refridgerator, pondering my food choices for the evening when the buzzer went off and nearly made me jump out of my pants. I let him in immediately of course, and as I hadn't locked the apartment door he came bounding in, arms full and laughing at my dishevelled appearance. "I swear, Bliss, it's like you are two different people. Normal, clean, well-dressed citizen Bliss and then there is this messed-up, ravenous, wild-haired thing straight out of a Maurice Sendak book." I smacked him across the arm and gleefully pounced on the packages.

We sat on the couch and gorged ourselves on pasta and drink while watching nothings on tv. It is so nice and comfortable with him and I have to keep reminding myself that it is for that reason that things could never, ever work in the relationship department. The comfort would go out the window and we would rage against each other like hurricanes passing in the night.

Ray is a handsome devil though, and many's the time I've had to look twice and thrice at him because damn. So nice. He also smells incredible, woodsy and spicy and I can't even describe it. So I was sitting there chatting with him and trying not to think of these things. Eventually we cuddled up on the couch and watched Evil Dead because it happened to be on tv and ended up dozing off. I woke up with a start to see the sun full force in the window and Raymond's mouth wide open fast asleep. As I am a bit of a brat sometimes, I couldn't help but stick my finger in his mouth to startle him and wake him up. He gave chase as I ran away and I locked myself behind my bedroom door, shrieking like a little girl.

This, of course, woke James up in his room. James is temporarily staying at my apartment since his most recent girlfriend kicked him out after she found him hitting on her sister. James isn't typically the lecherous sort but sometimes he just can't help himself. I'm hoping he leaves soon because he is a bear in the morning and leaves his socks all over the damn place. James came out and snarled something incoherent at us which of course led to a fit of giggles on my end. Ray took the opportunity to push the door open and toss me on the bed, tickling me mercilessly.

Then he glanced over at the time and jumped straight up like a rocket, muttering "oh shite" and looking around for his jacket. He was late for work and so was I. I called in "sick" for a change though and almost had him convinced to do the same, but Ray is pretty hard to convince when it comes to skipping work.

So now I'm drinking my tea and considering going to see Gabriel. Mmm. That's a story for another day.

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Things to explain

2004-10-11T16:03:00.000-07:00

Begin at the beginning and hope that the blanks will fill themselves in. Where to start? I suppose it should be stated that I am a little leary of posting a public blog, but at the same time I find it cathartic and a little freeing. I most certainly don't believe that people would be altogether too interested in what I have to say, but I do think that there are those out there that are the "peeping toms" of the internet, the voyeurs of lives that find these things interesting enough to merit their existence.

I understand the point in a tool like this: it is somewhat like writing a mass-letter to your peers. Rather than regurgitate the same material ad nauseum, you post it in one spot and invite them to come see. I find it quite funny when people take offense to what they've read about themselves. I find it twice as funny that the authors of these yarns get bent out of shape about it and say "if you don't like it, don't read it," when they have, in fact, invited these folks to peep in.

To that point, I must iterate this: Most, if not all, of what I write here will be masked in fiction. I do not intend to tell everybody I know about this "blog". If they come across it happenstance, and recognize something of themselves in it, so much the stranger and funnier.

En garde. Let us begin.