Besame Mucho

Thursday

Ok. So. I may or may not have given Ray the flu. But in my defence, he had it coming. I told him he didn't have to stick around and nurse me back to health, but would he listen? No. No he would not.

Audrey is refusing to speak to me now for some unknown reason that I can only trace back to his very self. I tried calling her this morning to apologize once again for not making it to her little soiree, and she carped into the phone that she could care less about my excuses, and if I wanted to spend some quality time with the man I could at least come out and say it. I throw up my hands in defeat. I'm too tired to argue the point.

As I am typing this Ray is probably asleep in the guest room. He called in sick today which for him is nothing short of a miracle. He had more or less set up camp here from Saturday up until this point, so I couldn't very well send him home just as he is starting to feel unwell. Birch called last night to see what was up and I told him that Ray was sick and he laughed a little and said he figured that would happen and that he'd be staying at his sister's place for the remainder of the week, so could I please kick the flu out before he returns?

Last night, James came by to pick up some more of his things and see if I was still alive. I helped him pack up the rest of it and listened to his garble about how he promised the next time something like this happened he wouldn't set up camp at my place for months on end. Then he mumbled something into his shirt about how he and his girlfriend are considering purchasing a house together. I just about fell over when he said this, because James has trouble committing to a long distance plan, nevermind another person and a huge responsibility like a house. "How can you promise that the next time something happens, you won't come knocking, and then in the next breath mention you want to purchase a home with this woman? Jesus, James, you astound me. Truly."

He then argued that they were only considering it, and he knew what a big step it would be. He then finished off with a "I'm not getting any younger, Bliss. And neither are you. When are you going to settle in with someone? Aren't you getting tired of it?" I asked him getting tired of what, but he just shrugged to himself. He told me that I was hopeless and then picked up the last of his boxes. He gave me a card with his new phone number on it and told me to call him if I found anything else.

During this whole exchange, Ray had considerately spent time in my little office/den to let us clear things up without interruption. When James had left, Raymond came out and asked if I was getting hungry. After days of not being able to keep anything down, it goes without saying that I was starving and it must have shown on my face because he chuckled and told me to go sit down and he'd throw something together. Let me tell you, this man can cook. I had no idea. The meal was divine, but then that may be the ravenous monster in me talking. Stuffed chicken breast and baby potato and carrots that were just the right amount of sweet and crisp.

After supper he cleaned everything up and then we huddled together on the couch under a blanket and watched television. Briefly discussed the current political climate and then decided it wasn't worth our breath. It would be plastered across everything everywhere for the next few months anyway. We flicked through channels and gave up and just talked a while, huddled together like that.

Tonight I cooked him some soup and read to him on the couch a little while. And then it happened.

I am going to confess that I have known this man for a very long time and it was not until that night that we approached anything that would be considered a line-crosser, if you get my meaning. We were just sitting there and I can't even recall what we were talking about. The next thing you know I was being kissed. It was incredible and just what I thought it would be and I enjoyed every second of it, but then I did something stupid, and pushed him away. I told him I couldn't do this, and he looked as though I'd slapped him. I told him it wasn't that, I just didn't want him to get sick. He laughed at that but I could tell he was still a little off-put about it.

I then told him to consider the situation with Audrey, and that I didn't want to bring any more tension into the friendship, and that clearly there was still something in it that required closure between him and her. He said he understood what I was trying to say, but he wanted to know if I was just saying these things to spare his feelings. And then he cursed Audrey because he knew that she was the main reason I was pushing him away, and then I said don't be silly, because if it weren't for Audrey he wouldn't even know I was alive. Then I said "On the other hand, maybe you'd be better off that way."

Then I told him that I just needed time, because this was a little surreal to me. I am used to not having anyone to rely on (also read: answer to) and frankly I find it a little scary. And that as much as I wanted to, I couldn't bring sex into it until things were settled between him and Audrey. He said that there was nothing left of their relationship and I said that wasn't what I meant. I explained that I was tired of the dismay I felt every time I knew they would both be at the same place at the same time because I knew it would be sparks everywhere, and not the nice kind. They argued all the time and if I was around it was twice as bad and what the fuck were they doing anyway? I didn't want anything to poison anything that could start and told him as much.

Then I did something really, really stupid, and started making out with him again. I did it more or less to see what I felt when it happened, but also because frankly, he's a pretty good kisser. He told me to knock it off if I didn't mean it. I told him I did, but I couldn't do this to myself. I had had enough of messed up relationships and when he had things figured out, then we could see where this goes.

Then I got up and walked out the door and walked around the city for a while, waning flu symptoms be damned. Came into work to gather some things up so I could do some work from home and instead started writing all this down. I don't know if I can handle this. I realize I messed things up by acting so ambiguously but I'll be honest, I'm completely confused about everything, and then of course there is the little question of how much do I value Audrey's friendship? Because if I get involved with Ray right now, I can guarantee you, Audrey will never speak to me again. That isn't drama talk, that's Audrey. But there is a word for what I did in there, and the word is cocktease.

I don't know. My patience is running thin and I'm tired and I want it to be as simple as James is making it out to be. You just up and decide one day that things are going to go a certain way and that's that. Life solved. Move on.

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Butterflies fluttered at 11/04/2004 07:58:00 PM
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